I Am Worthy

Yesterday seemed like a chaos for me. That day was the submission of our SP200 which is a technical school. I worked for that plate for almost 3 days but I guess that wasn’t enough.

I am not satisfied with what I just did and with what I submitted. Too bad, I didn’t finish my plate yet God is great because there are friends who always help me. However, looking back at the first sentence in the second paragraph, I am not satisfied. I am not happy of the outcome. So, when I went home I felt really depressed. I lay down on my bed embracing both the physical and emotional pain that I felt and thought of all the failures I have done and what a failure I am. I felt really bad about myself. How did I become a person like this? Why am I such a pain and at the same time a failure. Why am I so damn lazy? Meanwhile, my mom suddenly called me and I realized how badly I miss them, my parents. It is so hard living away from your family but I need to, because I have to study. Hours passed and I became tired of feeling bad about myself for it rapidly makes me sick. I tried to escape from the catastrophic feeling and stressed myself out by watching a movie. And yeah, it was effective for me, well, it depends on the movie.

I set the alarm before bidding the world of reality goodbye because I don’t want to be late for tomorrow’s class.

The sun found its place in the skies, now I am awake, I looked at my phone, and I said hello to my dismay. 8:45 is what I saw and it brought me back to the very reason why should I wake up early, I have a 7:30 class! 7:30! 7:30! Now, there’s nothing in pursuit for my day.  So I skipped class because I overslept, and I went again to where I was before when reality fully kicked in.

Hours passed and the scene that I played this morning took place again. It was like I hit the rewind button right after I was brought back to where reality was. It was not 8:45 that dismayed me for this time, but another set of numbers. 12:15, yes 12:15 it is, and my second class started 15 minutes ago. I decided to go even though I already knew I’ll be late but I realized that that class is only one and a half hour and I cannot make it. I definitely won’t make it. So on second thoughts, I changed my mind and decided to not go.

Now here I am, typing this post, I don’t know what I should feel but now, I know that I have to change myself because I am not happy with who I am. I pity myself. I am falling. I am failing.

Few minutes ago, I thought of who I am for the nth time and talked to God. I said “Why Lord? Why? Why am I like this? Why can’t I change myself? Why can’t I be better? Why can’t I be my best self?” Then, unexpectedly God replied. Oh yes, He replied. He talks. He really talks to us and most of the time it is when we least expect it to. He didn’t talk to me right away after I prayed to Him. His reply came after a few minutes.

That happened when I was scrolling down my news feed on facebook and I saw this picture that has a caption that says “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I stopped and think and once more I realized the fact that being an architect is not even in one of my choices when I was little until the world swiftly spin around, I am graduating high school, I have to choose my degree and so I was introduced to architecture, as well ended up pursuing the course.

I ended my time travel and continued scrolling down on my news feed more, and then suddenly, surprisingly, I was caught by God’s grace.

I saw this very inspiring post from spiritually single.

Don’t give up on the journey you have set out to accomplish. You’ve come to far to give up now. It hasn’t been easy but in the end it’ll all be so worth it. The joy of accomplishment will erase all the suffering you endured along the way. Remember how steadfast you were when you first began, don’t lose momentum now, you’re too far along. God will see you through! Your wait has not been in vain, don’t be dismayed the end is in sight. (Spiritually Single)

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.” 
(1 Corinthians 9:24)

Image

All at once, my faith is starting to rise again and hope was in sight. I have to continue my journey. I have to finish my race.

Dream a dream,

thevastdreamer

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